I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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