So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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