Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have fence marks all over my body
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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