so that wasnt chicken after all
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
