Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
