she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize