you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
