You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
