you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
