I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
