Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Randomize
