I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
