im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize