You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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