If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
