So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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