so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
