i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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