just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
