There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He better not be in your backpack
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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