just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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