he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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