There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
