I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
