WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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