I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize