You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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