Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
