No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
