My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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