I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
