I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
