I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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