Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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