She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
