i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
