Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize