i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
