I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
