how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
