That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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