peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
