Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
