The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize