I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
