I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
