but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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