Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
