I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
