You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize