Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
