I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
