I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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