The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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