for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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