If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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