It's Friday. Sex?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
