Farmville is her only friend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
