So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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