Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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