You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
