I think i peed on brittanys purse
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
soo... how was my night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
