Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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