they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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