Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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