the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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