Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
