You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
