I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
