Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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