i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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