Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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