I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
